Self-Isolation Plan Support Training

The moment we begin speaking to another person with the goal of trying to influence them, or to follow guidelines or rules, we are engaging in conflict resolution. I remember years ago being at an airport going through security and I had purchased my partner a jar of homemade jalapeno jelly. I don’t usually remember to buy my partner a gift when I have been away on a business trip, so I was quite pleased with myself.

The security person asked to look in my bag. He pulled out the jelly, and I immediately realized it was liquid and oversized, I started to get upset. The security person was quite skilled though and in a calm and respectful tone said to me:

“The jelly is X milliliters and I am afraid that makes it oversize. There are 3 options I can offer you : You can give the jar to someone out in the airport, you can pay $25 per day to store it at the airport until you can arrange to get it shipped home , or you can hand me the jar to be disposed of. What would you like to do?”

Obviously, I handed the jar over, but I also realized later how the security person’s calm demeanor and the way he shifted my thinking away from my emotions and to focus me on my choices, quickly calmed the situation down.

This story helps illustrate the value of following the Top 4 Tips for working with an upset person.

In order to influence people who are upset, stressed, and resistant to following direction, be a helpful source of information and help them focus on problem-solving:

• Focus on maintaining a professional, arm’s-length relationship in which you are as relaxed and respectful as possible.
• Try to find something you can truly respect about their situation and emphasize that you want to work with them to help solve their problem.
• Make short statements to connect with the person that show respect and empathy for the person.
• Say something friendly from time to time, even though you would prefer not to.
• Use a calm and confident tone of voice, especially when the other person is upset – this is critical as it will actually help calm down an upset person and they are more likely to listen to what you have to say.

Things we can say:

• “I appreciate your time is critically important to you and I understand how difficult it is. I will listen to your concerns and I will do my best to assist you.”
• “I respect your efforts on the plan you have put together.”
• “I can see how important this is to you.”
• “I can understand how frustrating this is.”
• “I will listen as carefully as I can.”
• “I will pay attention to your concerns.”

When there is strong emotion or anger about the situation, don’t spend a lot of energy trying to resolve their emotions. Instead, calmly shift the upset person to focus on problem-solving, away from their emotions:

• Acknowledge their frustrations (“I can see this is frustrating, or I respect you feel strongly about this).
• Then focus the upset person on a choice:
• This makes them responsible for solving the problem.
• It gives them a sense of control.
• It distracts them from their emotions
• Just like as a parent, rather than getting into a power struggle over telling a young child they must wear their winter coat outside, we try asking them “Do you want to wear the red coat or the blue coat?”
• If they reject your suggestions, ask them for options or a proposal. You can always say no to their proposal and suggest something else back, based on the rules.

Things we can say:

• “I understand this is frustrating and I want to work with you on this. You could do A or B. It is up to you.”
• “Let’s see if we can think of a couple of options – I see A or B. What do you think?”
• “I want to work with you on this. Can you think of any options for what you can do here?”
• “Do you have any ideas for solving this problem?”

People who are under stress can react very strongly to feeling criticized about past actions. It is not helpful to argue with them about what really happened in the past, or to tell them they should have made a different choice as this will only escalate defensiveness and blame:

• Stay focused on the future as much as possible when dealing with them. This can help shift them into problem-solving.
• Focus on what you can do for the person, vs what you can’t. This will help them think about how to solve things vs arguing with you.

Things we can say:

• “What can you do next?”
• “You might be right, I wasn’t there. But we can still figure out some options here.”
• “What’s your goal? Let’s see what we can do to help you get there.”

How do we influence someone to follow the guidelines? The main thing to realize is that we cannot control what another person chooses to do; only they can:

• Focus on giving them information to assist them in making better choices, while maintaining an arms-length relationship.
• Avoid direct personal confrontation, which will just turn into a power struggle.
• Focus on external reasons for the action you are suggesting, like rules, policies. Laws.
• Essentially, we are saying “You and I are good, I have your best interests in mind, but the rules say it needs to be done this way. We all have to follow the rules and I want to help you solve this.”

Things we can say:

• “You may not realize it, but our policies do not allow us to do your request. I understand your frustration with that. We all must follow this rule. I wish I could help you more.”
• “The law/regulation requires us to do this…”
• “The rules say that I can’t do (what you are asking) for anyone. It could put my job in jeopardy.”

Need more help? Call the Conflict Management Office Brian Hutchinson@ 236-478-2615

• From Conflict to Calm – Skills for Dealing with Strong Emotion (Video)
• Conflict Management Services